The debate over the repeal of "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell," has taught me a lot about my fellow gay and lesbian community members. I now know all of the reasons why we should not be allowed to serve in the military, so as a public service, I will share those reasons with my morally deficient readers.
Basically it all comes down to this: We can’t be in the military because we are destined to destroy something called “unit cohesion.” No one has articulated exactly why we gays hate cohesive units so much, but maybe it is because we are so clean and our skin is so wrinkled… you know, because apparently we shower all of the time. It’s weird, because I only shower once-per-day, but I guess when the gays join the military, they must spend all of their time in the shower because it seems to be the main reason why we aren’t military material.
Oh wait... it isn’t because of the frequency of our showering, it is actually because we can’t control ourselves in the showers. I forgot that we gays are sexual predators who cannot help but sexually assault every same-gender person in our general vicinity. Trust me, this is not limited to the showers. Richard Grant from Lakeland, Florida penned a letter-to-the-editor which explains that there will also be all kinds of open man-on-man sex in the barracks as well.
Grant is a good guy -- he is just concerned about our safety. He warns that repeal will cause a slew of “blanket parties.” Now, being a sex-crazed homosexual, I initially didn’t see the problem with “blanket parties,” but Grant explained that blanket parties are when “[l]ate at night, some men will throw a blanket over a gay person and beat the life out of him.” Oh dear, I know you are thinking that maybe the type of people who will do that to another human being shouldn’t be allowed to join the military and maybe they shouldn’t let convicted felons in anymore, but you are mistaken … it is indeed the silly-beaten-gay-boy who forced this upon himself.
Grant also points out another important reason why we shouldn’t be in the military -– recruitment. No, I don’t mean military recruitment (we all know that no straight soldiers will stay in the super-gay military anyway), I am talking about gay recruitment. We gays are just trying to join the military to get our numbers up. As a parent, this is Grant’s main worry, “Today, if my son was going into the military, I would be more concerned about him coming home a gay person than worrying about him getting wounded or killed in battle.” This comment really hit home, because I know when I told my parents that I am gay, they did express that they had hoped for me to die in Iraq instead of being gay.
Another great point I have heard is that when gays join the military, the terrorists win. Washington state resident Danl A. Connelly explains that “What [Islamic extremists] hate about the United States is pornography, divorce, abortion and gay marriage. We have now given the Islamic extremists another reason to blow us up. Instead of just being the infidel army, we are now the homosexual infidel army.” Well I certainly don’t want to betray Al Qaeda’s image of morality. You know what else I don’t want to do? Spiritually rape our military. Which is exactly what the Rabbinical Alliance of America says I will be doing if I am allowed to join the military. Well, actually they said that the gays will spiritually rape our military … and cause earthquakes. Now, I’m confused because I thought that the Haitian pact with the devil caused earthquakes, but I guess it is really us military-loving-homos who make the ground shake.
You may be saying that these people are fringe extremists. Perhaps, but you know what fringe extremists do? They contact their legislators and they make sure that everyone they know does the same. Do your representatives know how you feel about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? Have you signed the Change.org petition to repeal the anti-gay military policy? There are only a small handful of legislators who feel safe during the upcoming midterm elections –- and they are not going to repeal anti-gay military policy unless they are sure that it is what voters want. Combat these crazy arguments with action!
Photo credit: Adam Amel Rogers